


Hello, Cornelius!

by TheOfficialZap



Category: Hello Dolly! (1969), The Matchmaker
Genre: F/F, F/M, Genderbending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-12 00:22:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15983621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOfficialZap/pseuds/TheOfficialZap
Summary: "The Matchmaker"/"Hello, Dolly" except Cornelius is a lesbian.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I sat down and wrote this in a couple hours without refining it. I just really needed to get this idea out of my head. Some day in the future I may actually proofread and elongate it, but for now, please enjoy my silliness as both rough and unpolished as it is new!

Cornelius Hackl was thirty-three years old and she had never kissed a girl. She was often filled with a sense that this was not fair, but no more so than on the day the matchmaker arrived at her employer’s home. The rich old widower, Horace Vandergelder, had been meeting with the woman for some time now in hopes of finding a new wife to clean up after him. The matchmaker was a widow and an old friend of Vandergelder’s late wife. To complicate matters, the matchmaker was now also employed to find a suitable husband for Vandergelder’s niece, Ermengarde, whose present fiancé was an artist named Ambrose Kemper. It was Ambrose’s known plan to elope with Ermengarde due to Vandergelder’s refusal to bless their marriage. At twenty-four, Ermengarde was certainly capable of marrying the man of her choice, but nonetheless she sniveled and cried all morning over her father figure’s disapproval. While Ermengarde bawled over an uncle’s blessing and Vandergelder prepared himself to propose to a city woman who only wanted to marry him for his money after already having been married once before, Cornelius could not help but feel the unjust nature of the whole affair.  
“It’s just not fair,” Cornelius complained to his young assistant clerk, Barnaby Tucker, as they stocked Vandergelder’s shelves with canned chicken. “Ermengarde has someone and the boss can just buy someone. I’ve never even kissed a someone!”  
“Me neither,” Barnaby replied without enthusiasm. He had heard this complaint a few dozen times before already. He couldn’t help but think it might be nice to kiss someone, too, but working for Vandergelder left little to no time or money to check out or take out the local girls. Cornelius was probably the only girl he even talked to.  
“You’re only nineteen, Barnaby. There’s still hope for you.” Cornelius marked the final can of chicken and made for the ladder out of the storeroom where she and Barnaby spent most of their time together. “But I’m thirty-three. What girl at thirty-three is still available?” Just as Cornelius was about to open the hatch, Vandergelder threw it open. She jumped at the surprise but quickly recomposed herself. “Hello, sir.”  
“Listen, Cornelius,” Vandergelder boomed in his naturally loud and intimidating tone, “I’m going to the city. You’re chief clerk in charge while I’m gone. Dolly is keeping an eye on Ermengarde but I want you to watch out for that stupid artist.” Before she could reply, Vandergelder shut the hatch in Cornelius’ face. She listened for the sound of his patent leather shoes clomping away before turning to Barnaby for a good old fashioned rant.  
“Isn’t Dolly the matchmaker?” Barnaby asked before she could start.  
“That I am,” called down a feminine voice as the hatch opened once again. “What are you two doing down here in the dark?”  
“Just minding these chickens, Mrs. Levi,” Barnaby answered shyly.  
“Why don’t you guys take the day off and visit New York City? I’m meeting Ermengarde and Ambrose at the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant, but there’s plenty of room on the train.”  
“We can’t leave the store, Mrs. Levi.”  
“Oh, well, if you change your mind, there’s a wonderful little hat shop I highly recommend. Stop by this address around 2 o’clock if you change your mind in time to get the next train,” Dolly answered as she pulled out a business card. Cornelius took the card and Dolly gave her a wink before heading back up the stairs to get Ermengarde dressed up for the trip.  
“We’re going,” Cornelius said out loud.  
“But we can’t-“ Barnaby started.  
“Oh yes we can! As chief clerk in charge, I say we need to visit the city for supplies.” Cornelius scattered the newly labeled canned chicken on the ground and pulled Barnaby up the ladder into the main store. “Just look at the way that chicken jumped off the shelves! I’m sure it’s gone bad,” she said with a wink.  
“Cornelius, we’re going to get in trouble,” Barnaby whined.  
“Barnaby, listen to me,” Cornelius said as she carefully lit a match under a can of tomatoes, “There’s a whole big world out there. We work all day and sleep most of the night with no vacation time and no girls. This might be our one chance to get both while the boss is proposing to his city lady and marching in the parade today. Think about it, Barnaby. The lights of Broadway, the stuffed whale at Barnham’s Museum, and elevated trains.” Barnaby was having a hard time imagining any of the things he had never seen before from his isolated life in Yonkers, but it did sound tempting. “We’ll ride through the street in a horse-drawn open car and watch the parade right under Vandergelder’s nose!” Barnaby had never been particularly mischievous, but the thought was beginning to grow on him the more Cornelius intoned. “We’ll stay all night if we have to. We won’t come home until we’ve kissed a girl!” The tomato can exploded and filled the shop with an unforgiveable stench.

Cornelius and Barnaby closed the store and locked it up. They had some money in their pockets but most of their savings were locked away in one of Vandergelder’s safes, so they had only a handful of cash to work with. There was no need to sneak away as Vandergelder had already taken a private car to the city and Dolly had ushered Ermengarde and her artist off to the train station. Dolly seemed to cause a stir wherever she went, but Cornelius figured that must just be the way city women are. She and Barnaby quickly dressed in their only suits and met the train just in time.

Cornelius and Barnaby got themselves a carriage and paid the entrance fee for the museum. Barnaby stopped to look in every street vendor’s wares just long enough to notice how suspiciously familiar the merchandise began to look. As they walked through the market stalls, Cornelius took out Dolly’s card again. “It’s nearly 2 o’clock,” she said.  
“Yeah?” Barnaby gave a distracted reply.  
“We’re not far from the hat shop Dolly mentioned.” Cornelius pocketed the card. “We might as well stop in.” Barnaby was not feeling any particular need for a hat, but as both Miss Dolly and Cornelius thought it was worth stopping by, he wasn’t going to complain. He briefly entertained the idea that Cornelius might even try a more feminine look, though the mental image disturbed him. Then, Cornelius pushed him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Uh, I think I’ll check in here,” Cornelius said as she clumsily shoved herself inside a closet.

Irene Molloy and her young assistant Minnie Fay spotted Cornelius and Barnaby from the hat shop window. Irene had been expecting Vandergelder to stop by and free her from a life of selling hats, but as Minnie aptly pointed out, “That doesn’t look like Mister Vandergelder.”  
“Indeed not,” Irene answered. “They look a bit younger and quite a bit less snooty.”  
“You shouldn’t call Mister Vandergelder ‘snooty’ if you want to marry him,” Minnie piped up.  
“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” Irene looked at her youthful assistant wistfully. “You should marry for love if you can, Minnie.”  
“So should you.”  
“It’s too late for me, Minnie,” Irene said sadly as she looked out the window at the approaching duo. “I have already been married once and ever since I’ve been a single woman making my own way, people have judged me for it. I really thought they’d stop after a while, but everyone still watches my every move. A woman can’t exist and have a career of her own in this world without people thinking she’s wicked. When Vandergelder proposes, I’ll accept, no matter how ‘snooty’ he is.” The truth was that Irene Molloy ached for a real love but was ready to give up and marry rich while she had the chance. A part of her still believed love was possible, but the rich man was real and the loved man was fiction. “We might as well get some work done,” Irene sighed. “Those two hardly seem the type to need a lady’s hat.” Minnie followed Irene into the back room to survey the most recent return. It was a hat some might call fashionable with colored ribbons pouring out of it. Irene, feeling a little playful, put the hat on her own head and checked the mirror. A rainbow of ribbon fluttered about her long brown hair. “I might keep this one for myself,” she told Minnie. Before Minnie had a chance to comment, the two women heard the door of the store bang open.  
“Why did you have to push me?” A young man’s indignant voice was audible from the storeroom.  
“I saw him, Barnaby,” a worried voice answered.  
“You said we wouldn’t get in trouble.”  
“We won’t, so long as we avoid him!”  
“It seems we have visitors,” Irene said as she peeked through the crack in the door. “I still don’t think they’re the type to buy these hats, but we mustn’t ignore potential customers. You should flirt with them a little, Minnie.”  
“Me?” Minnie looked at Irene in confusion.  
“You don’t have to follow up,” Irene assured her. “Flirt a little with the young man and then let him down.”  
“I don’t know…”  
“Follow my lead,” Irene said. She stood up straight with her shoulders back and strode confidently into the room with the duo she had just seen outside the window. “Can I help you?”

Cornelius was awestruck. The moment she laid eyes on the shopkeeper, she knew she would never forget her. A true city woman, the shopkeeper walked tall and with grace. She spoke in a low, melodic voice. She had on the most beautiful hat Cornelius had ever seen. The woman batted her eyes and cleared her throat. Barnaby elbowed Cornelius and she realized she had been staring. “Uh, yes, um, we are looking for some, er, hats,” she blurted out.  
She felt incredibly silly, but the shopkeeper merely smiled and asked, “What kind of hat are you interested in?” A small, blonde woman peeked out from behind the shopkeeper.  
“They’re not for us,” Barnaby squeaked.  
“Right,” Cornelius said. She straightened up and tried to match the shopkeeper’s elegant city airs. “We are just a couple of well-to-dos looking for beautiful hats-maybe five or six-for a friend.” Cornelius, nose in air, pretended to inspect some of the hats closest, but found it hard to take her eyes of the shopkeeper. “May I be so bold as to ask the young lady her name,” she said at last. The blonde woman giggled, but the shopkeeper maintained her composure.  
“I’m Mrs. Irene Molloy and this is my assistant, Miss Minnie Fay.” Mrs. Molloy gestured to the blonde woman. “And you?”  
“Mrs.?” Cornelius’ heart sank.  
“Well, not anymore, to be frank,” the woman stated quite frankly indeed. “You may call me Irene. But what about your names?”  
“I’m Cornelius Hackl and this is my associate Barnaby Tucker.”  
“How do you do,” Barnaby said with a tip of his relatively drab hat.  
“We do just fine,” Minnie said with another giggle.  
“It is nice to meet such fine, handsome young people,” Irene said with a discrete wink to Minnie. “We would be honored to help you find the right amount of hats.” Cornelius was thinking of what to say next when Barnaby elbowed her again.  
“Look,” he hissed with a glance out the window. Just outside the shop, Dolly Levi could be seen talking the ear off of Horace Vandergelder, the very man they entered the shop to avoid.  
“Uh, I think I’ll check in here,” Cornelius said as she clumsily shoved herself inside a closet.  
“I’m sure there’s something great under here,” Barnaby said, following Cornelius’ lead by awkwardly climbing under a covered table. It was just in time, for at that moment Vandergelder entered the shop, audibly grumpy.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How many Cornelius Hackls could there possibly be in New York?"

“Oh, Mister Vandergelder, welcome,” Irene said as her suitor walked into the shop. Cornelius and Barnaby were behaving suspiciously, and it soon became clear that this was the man her two visitors had been avoiding when they burst into her shop. Still, they had been friendly and she much enjoyed the fun of their brief visit, so she took pity on them. “Let us go into the back where we can be more discrete,” she suggested.  
“Yes, fine, fine,” Vandergelder agreed as he followed her into the backroom, leaving Dolly alone with Minnie and the clerks.

“You can go, now, if you need to,” Minnie whispered at the table. Barnaby reluctantly began to climb out of his awkward position when Cornelius startled the other women by crying out from the closet.  
“No!” The closet rumbled as though its inhabitant had stomped her foot. “I should like to stay and get to know Mrs. Molloy-I mean Irene-a bit more.”  
“Cornelius, is that you?” Dolly approached with closet with caution.  
“Yes, Mrs. Levi,” she whispered through the door. “We followed your advice and even though I’m stuck in this closet right now I’d stay here a few more hours if it meant seeing Irene a little longer.”  
“I see,” Dolly said with a knowing tone. “Do you know that Mr. Vandergelder has it in his mind to propose to her?”  
“I have a feeling neither of us really want that,” Cornelius answered.  
“Indeed, I have filled his head with stories of another woman, but he can be quite stubborn,” Dolly replied. She sighed at the sound of patent leathers on a soft carpet. “I’ll do what I can.” Vandergelder and Irene Molloy returned to the front storeroom.  
“I didn’t know that you knew Cornelius Hackl,” Irene was saying.  
“What? Of course I do,” Vandergelder answered. “She’s my chief clerk.”  
“Oh, that must be some other Cornelius Hackl,” Irene countered. “The one I met is well-off and in search of some fine hats.”  
“Ha!” Vandergelder barked a single, false laugh. “She never has and never will wear a fashionable and clean hat. How many Cornelius Hackls could there possibly be in New York?”  
“Oh she’s quite right, Horace,” Dolly interrupted. Cornelius’ heart fell all the way into her stomach. What fresh betrayal was this? “The very same Cornelius Hackl who works in your shop is often seen around the city.” Now Cornelius was just plain confused.  
“What is the meaning of this,” Vandergelder ruptured. “Cornelius is my clerk. What should she be doing in the city?”  
“Oh, you don’t even know your own clerk, Horace,” Dolly continued. “Cornelius Hackl is from a very wealthy family. She only works in your shop to engage in some adventure.”  
“Nonsense,” Vandergelder spat. In the midst of her tumultuous emotional rollercoaster, Cornelius neglected to avoid a fine feather boa in the closet. She let out a great yip of a sneeze which shook the entire closet, then froze in fear.  
“What was that?” Vandergelder turned towards the closet. “Did that closet just sneeze?”  
“Oh no, Horace, that was just my allergies, I’m afraid,” Dolly said, feigning a dab with a hanky. Cornelius, too afraid to move at all, neglected to move from harm’s way and another sneeze erupted.  
“Now this time I’m sure I heard a sneeze from that closet,” Vandergelder said angrily. “Is there someone in there?” Dolly rushed over to the closet.  
“Oh Horace, never you mind. Let me just check.” Dolly put a hand in the closet and felt around, shoving her hanky in Cornelius’ face and brushing away the boa. “Nope! There’s nobody in there,” she said at last. Then, the table sneezed.  
“Now this is just ridiculous,” Vandergelder roared.  
“There is someone in there,” Irene said gently before Vandergelder could do anything rash.  
“Well,” said Vandergelder, “And to think I came all this way only to be treated in this fashion!” He took Dolly by the arm and led her out. “Good day, Mrs. Molloy.” He slammed the door shut with a grunt. Cornelius stumbled out of the closet head held low and Barnaby crawled out from under the table.  
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Molloy.” Cornelius held her gentleman’s cap in her hands. “I’m afraid I ruined things for you just now.”  
“You can make it up to the both of us,” Irene answered cheerfully. “You and Barnaby may take us out to dinner.” Irene pulled Minnie and Barnaby into the conversation.  
“But Mrs. Molloy-”  
“Now I told you to call me Irene, didn’t I?”  
“Oh, yes, I’m sorry Irene.” Cornelius donned her cap once again. “Barnaby and I would be delighted to take you the two of you out.” Cornelius remembered that Dolly had played her up as a wealthy socialite but only knew the name of one restaurant in the entire city. “Let us take you to the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant,” she said.  
“Oh, what a wonderful idea,” Irene said. “I don’t believe either of us has ever been to such an expensive place.” Cornelius began to sweat at the thought of how expensive a place this restaurant must be for a woman like Irene to think it was expensive. “Minnie and I must get changed for dinner. Come pick us up in an hour.” With that, Cornelius and Barnaby said their goodbyes and walked out the door.  
“How are we going to take them to such a fancy restaurant?” Barnaby asked.  
“We’ll figure something out,” Cornelius assured him. “Maybe we could just sit at the bar.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the help of Irene and Minnie, Cornelius and Barnaby donned fabulous disguises.

Cornelius and Barnaby straightened their Sunday suits out and polished their shoes with their shirttails. After an hour of cleaning up and worrying about the cost of dinner, the two arrived to meet the hat shop women exactly one hour after saying goodbye to them.  
“You are very punctual,” Irene smiled. “But where is your carriage?”  
“We thought it might be a nice day for a walk,” Cornelius said.  
“Yeah, it builds up an appetite,” Barnaby added.  
“What my associate means is that it is economical to walk,” Cornelius said. “It is the fashionable thing to do these days, you know.”  
“Well, if it is fashionable, then we must do it,” Irene said with a warm smile.  
“Yes, we always do what is fashionable,” Minnie giggled as Barnaby took her arm. The pairs walked together, arms linked, in the direction of the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant.

Although her feet were sore, Irene had to admit she enjoyed the leisurely stroll towards the restaurant with Cornelius. Minnie was talking up the wonderful appetizers and dancing room offered at the restaurant. “I recall,” Minnie said, “that Mrs. Levi used to go often to the Harmonia Gardens with her late husband, Ephraim.”  
“That’s right,” Irene said. “She told me they used to dance there frequently.”  
“I’m afraid I’ve never been very good at dancing,” Cornelius said.  
“I’m sure you will catch on quickly,” Irene said. She realized that she was looking forward to a dance with the handsome woman. She would certainly prefer it to dancing with the tight-fisted Vandergelder. “You have such a busy life traveling to Mr. Vandergelder’s all the time. It’s no wonder you haven’t had enough practice.”  
“Right,” Cornelius said. She looked uncomfortable for a moment but quickly replaced her smile when she saw Irene looking at her.

Cornelius was uncomfortable, though. She was leading the group to a dinner she was sure she wouldn’t be able to afford even after combining her and Barnaby’s remaining money. She wondered how long she could possibly keep the charade up. The beautiful and charming Irene Molloy was worth going to jail for if it meant spending more time together, but however it happened, Cornelius was not looking forward to the eventual reveal that she was not who Dolly had led Irene to believe she was.  
“Look, there it is!” Minnie cried out as the group approached their destination. The restaurant looked even bigger and fancier than Cornelius had imagined.  
“Holy cabooses,” Barnaby sighed as he craned his neck upwards. Irene tugged at Cornelius’ arm and they entered the restaurant as a group. The maître looked them up and down, no doubt wondering at the ensemble of two ornately dressed women and their paltry guests.  
“What is your reservation, madam?” He asked.  
“We don’t have one, but-” Cornelius started.  
“You cannot waltz in here without a reservation,” the maître snobbily replied. Cornelius almost sighed with relief at the unexpected intervention to her poorly planned expensive dinner. Irene, however, was far less interested in wasting a good dress and good company on a snooty maître.  
“Excuse you,” Irene said haughtily. “Do you know who this is?” The maître raised an eyebrow inquisitively, because of course he did not know who Cornelius was. She was all too aware that Irene had assumed her connection with Dolly was proof of well-known and wealthy social connections in general. “This is Cornelius Hackl, the wealthy socialite. She is very well known around here.” Irene humphed indignantly at the maître, who gave a look like he was about to say he had heard this kind of bluff a hundred times a day and a thousand times a night, when a friendly face approached from the crowd.  
“Cornelius, is that you?” asked the familiar face.  
“Ambrose?” It was Cornelius’ turn to be incredulous. “What are you doing here?”  
“I’m here with Ermengarde on Dolly’s recommendation, though I’m afraid my beloved is awfully concerned about Mr. Vandergelder seeing her out with me. It would be just like him to swoop her up and send her to a convent!” Ambrose laughed but Cornelius detected a hint of honest-to-God fear in the statement. “I must go back to my date. I do hope to see you and your friends on the dance floor later.” Ambrose tipped his hat politely at the group and maître before trotting back to his table and Ermengarde.  
“You are friends with Vandergelder and Dolly?” the maître asked.  
“Oh, uh, yes,” Cornelius answered, though she thought the word “friends” might be a bit too strong for either one. Employee and acquaintance sounded more appropriate to her mind, but as Ambrose had stumbled along just in time to make Irene’s claim believable, Cornelius was not about to let the chance go.  
“I apologize for my rudeness, madam,” the maître bowed. “I will get you a private dining table immediately.” Before Cornelius could even begin to wonder how expensive a private dining experience was going to be, she was packed behind a privacy screen with the rest of the group and a bottle of champagne chilling in the ice. As Irene and Minnie began to order more wine and food off the menu Cornelius was barely able to look at, she gave up and decided that as long as she had to go to jail anyway, she might as well enjoy the night out and order a delicious last meal.  
“Excuse me, sir,” a passing waiter addressed Barnaby. “You seem to have dropped this on the floor and I wouldn’t want you to lose something so valuable.” Cornelius watched as a confused Barnaby accepted a wallet that looked distinctly like their boss’. It was a simple leather wallet, but lined with cash and entertaining an engraving commissioned by Vandergelder’s late wife. Whether through the frugality of not wasting a perfectly good wallet or through actual sentiment, Vandergelder had kept the same wallet for years and Cornelius instantly began to feel brave again, though at the same time she feared who else might be in the restaurant for such a sudden rescue. Not to mention, whether Mr. Vandergelder was on the other side of the privacy screen or the other side of the world, Cornelius was sure to no longer be an employee after this and still might go to jail. Still, she was feeling much more confident about finally confessing to Irene, to whom Cornelius had already surrendered her heart.  
“Irene, there’s something I need to confess,” Cornelius said. Barnaby looked at her fellow clerk with wild eyes, for he was in the middle of taking a bite of prime rib when Cornelius dropped the bomb. “Irene, it doesn’t feel right to keep lying to you.”  
“What do you mean, Cornelius?” Irene asked.  
“Irene, we’re not rich.” Minnie stifled a gasp. “We really are ordinary clerks for Mr. Vandergelder, though after tonight that may not be true anymore.”  
“I had a feeling,” Irene sighed. “This has been such a pleasant evening, though. Let us enjoy the night while it lasts.” With the weight of her sins thus lifted, Cornelius gave in to the delights of the dinner. When the night began to come to a close, she could not forget that Vandergelder, for all she knew, would spot her the moment she and Barnaby left the privacy screen.  
“We can’t be seen by Mr. Vandergelder,” Cornelius whispered to the group. With the help of Irene and Minnie, Cornelius and Barnaby donned fabulous disguises. Cornelius remembered Vandergelder’s earlier comment that she might never wear a fashionable garment and smiled to herself beneath the elegant veil Irene had lent her for the disguise.  
“In our coats and veils,” Irene tittered, “you still owe us a dance before this night is over.” Cornelius, overjoyed that Irene still showed interest in her, even if it was only to be for one night, quickly agreed and the assistants followed them onto the dance floor.  
“I’ll lead,” Irene said. She went slowly at first so that Cornelius might learn a few simple dance steps, and moments later Cornelius was lost in the dance. Barnaby was twirling Minnie through the air and Cornelius thought to try the same with Irene when she accidentally bumped into someone else.  
“It’s you!” The familiar voice of Vandergelder thundered as the man turned on Cornelius, who was dancing away with the woman he only hours earlier meant to propose to. “The two of you are fired, effective immediately,” he yelled.  
“I can’t believe you’d be so cruel,” Irene said with a sudden turn on Vandergelder. “And to think I might have married you! Do not court on me again,” she said icily. As chance would have it, Ambrose and Ermengarde were on the dance floor at the same time and had been attracted like other guests to the source of the argument. Ermengarde took one look at her uncle’s face and fainted into Ambrose’s arms. Before Vandergelder could fully process what just happened, Ambrose scooped up his fiancé and made for the door.  
“Well now,” Dolly said to her old friend, “now you’ve done it. You have no clerks, you have no niece, you have no purse, and you have no bride. You had the nerve to hint at marriage with me all dinner, too, just because my backup plan stood you up.”  
“I’ll never marry you,” Vandergelder said. That was the last Cornelius heard before leaving his former employer and the restaurant far behind.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m beginning to think you might like me,” Cornelius said.

Cornelius and Barnaby shrugged off their borrowed coats and veils as the cab driver Vandergelder did, as it turns out, hire to take away his niece arrived at its location. It was the home of a certain Miss Van Huysen’s. The former clerks were dumped at her doorstop and the woman came out to investigate.  
“Miss Ermengarde and her intended, Mr. Ambrose Kemper,” the cab driver announced.  
“What’s this about?” Miss Van Huysen asked.  
“Mr. Horace Vandergelder insisted that I bring these two to you, and he offered a great price to do so.”  
“Uh, please don’t break up our, uh, marriage,” Cornelius bluffed, determined to at least save Ermengarde and Ambrose’s relationship if not her own.  
“He does look a bit young for you, dear, but why ever would I break up two lovers?”  
“My, uh, Uncle Horace says I can’t marry Ambrose,” Cornelius said, stumbling over the words “Uncle Horace” and putting on the act of her life pretending Barnaby was someone she wanted to marry. “He doesn’t have steady income because he’s an artist.”  
“Oh, pooh on your Uncle Horace, dearie,” Miss Van Huysen answered. “I won’t break up true love.”  
“We’re glad to hear that,” said a familiar voice. Ambrose approached with the recovered Ermengarde.  
“Who’s this now?” Poor Miss Van Huysen asked.  
“We are Ambrose and Ermengarde,” Ambrose answered. “We are sorry to have put you through this charade, but we were sure you would try to break us apart like Mr. Vandergelder.”  
“The nerve of that man,” Miss Van Huysen said. “Why don’t you all come in a rest.” She had hardly uttered the words when Dolly, Irene, and Minnie arrived on the scene.  
“Oh, thank goodness you’re all right,” Irene cried as she wrapped her arms around Cornelius. Cornelius smiled and hugged back.  
“I’m beginning to think you might like me,” Cornelius said. Irene smiled.  
“I do, Cornelius,” she answered. Dolly paid off the cab driver with Vandergelder’s remaining wallet contents as the couple embraced again. After the cab had gone and the couples had been reunited, Vandergelder at last arrived at the home of Miss Van Huysen, who promptly ushered him into the kitchen with the others.  
“Horace,” she addressed him plainly, “You will not interfere in the marriage of your niece and young Ambrose.”  
“Fine,” the exasperated Vandergelder said. “I lost everything tonight. I won’t lose you again. Get married if you want it that bad.”  
“Oh, thank you, Uncle Horace!” Ermengarde squeezed her uncle tight in a girlish hug then whisked away into the kitchen with Ambrose.  
“Say, Irene,” Cornelius said shyly, “would you ever think of marrying me?”  
“Yes,” Irene answered as she threw her arms around Cornelius.  
“We’re also getting married,” Barnaby announced, Minnie in his arms. The three couples rejoiced at having found love and adventure. They were soon joined by Dolly and a softer-looking version of Vandergelder.  
“Are you all getting married to each other?” Dolly asked, ever the matchmaker. A chorus of yeses arose around her, some dainty and shy, others loud and proud. “Well, so are we!” Dolly called out of her and Vandergelder.  
“You really are a wonderful matchmaker, Dolly,” Miss Van Huysen said, “to have made four engagements in one night, including your own!”  
“It goes to show,” Barnaby piped up, “that it’s worth it to have a little adventure in your life after all!” He looked up at Cornelius with admiration in his eyes, and she knew they were all happier for having blown up the tomatoes and smashed the canned chicken that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for groovin on my fanfic!


End file.
